Lovely Moms Café

Coming to the UK is a milestone in my life, most especially as a mother. I was doing great in the Philippines. I was working full time and was finishing my Masters through online education. I was active in church work and at least a year prior to our departure for the UK, I was a single mother in the sense that I was managing on my own, my hubby being here working already as a Mobile Radiographer.

I thought I had it all covered: on the home front, career, continuing education, and my duties as a Christian. Well, I had a maid, which made it all so much easier for me. But I was doing everything else at home except wash clothes and tidy up the whole place. I was cooking every meal, doing the marketing, and “managing” my boys’ schooling – whatever that meant.

My last job there was as an Executive Assistant to the Chief of Party of an USAID-funded Family Planning project. I travelled at least two hours to work and then another two hours back. I normally left for work at 6:00 am. By that time I would have already cooked our breakfast, my hubby’s and my eldest son’s packed lunches, lunch at home for the youngest boy and the maid and even planned for or prepared their afternoon snack, when the eldest gets home from school. I did that everyday.

During weekends, it was writing my school work, going to the market and the grocery store and church work that I did. It was like that every weekend.

The kids were my priority but I had a life as a career woman and as a student. It was a great life for me. I managed. I thought I was doing great, actually. I mean, I had it all under control.

When I got to the UK, I came to realize just how shallow and uneventful my brand of mothering was. Here, I am the maid, and laundrywoman, and cook, and even the occasional nanny to some friends’ kids (for free) who have no choice but to dump their children on me when they needed to (I almost couldn’t turn down anyone, unless it was really impossible for me).

For a good seven months upon our arrival here, I was unemployed. Being the obsessive-compulsive person that I am, I made it a point during that time to be excellent in keeping the house tidy, preparing the meals and running the home. And I still make it a point to do the same now that I am already working, albeit part-time.

Alongside that overriding desire to be excellent in homemaking during that seven-month period, I had to contend with feelings of insecurity, self-pity and despondency for being dependent on my hubby (for the first time ever in our marriage), not having my own money, for being unemployed and for being plucked out of my comfortable world in the Philippines. I felt so rotten then.

There were times when I would yell at my kids: “I am not your maid! Tidy up your mess!” And then after that brief moment of madness, I would realize that I was their maid actually. They grew up having a maid all the time. They were used to having someone pick up things after them, give them what they needed or look for missing toys or school stuff. I spoiled them in that sense and I realized that time that it was my own doing that I was being subjected to unpaid labour as a maid.

My life as a mom in the UK is so much different from what I was used to. Here, I can’t afford to be sick or unwell. I can’t  not wash  the dishes because if I did, the washing will pile up and I have no one to blame. I cannot tidy up the house because there is no one else to do it and if it isn’t that tidy or clean, I freak out. And freaking out moms in the UK just won’t do.

On the 8^th month after I arrived here, I finally got hired as a part time clerk in our hospital, where tens of Filipino nurses are also employed. Being employed part-time gives me the freedom to look after my family and keep the home running efficiently. I do everything, as in everything, with the hubby lending a helping hand only occasionally.

When the boys are a little older, I intend to look for a fulltime job. Here, I might just be able to fulfill my dream of becoming a published writer, or earn my PhD, or learn more foreign languages as part of my self-improvement program. All in God’s perfect time. Meanwhile, I wait and do my best and live my life as a happy mother.

Somehow, I learned to adjust my expectations from life when I got here in the UK. Coming here was a most humbling experience and for that, I am very thankful to the Lord. Here, I was forced to reassess my worth as a person. Am I still a person with dignity even without money of my own? Can I still be a good mother while I am also ranting and raving and screaming mad for all the work that I need to do? Can I still be proud of my education and hard work in improving myself even as I am employed in a job that I would normally think as “beneath me”? These are only some of the questions that I asked and to all, I have learned that the answer is “Yes”.

I had to change my point of reference to gauge if I was doing great as a mother. Am I still okay even if my little boy went to school in a creased shirt? Can I still claim my title as a home goddess (something that I though myself to be before) even when I can see that there is dust on the furniture everywhere? Again, I have learned that a great mother is one by heart. It is not only the things that I do (though they are important as well), but the things that I am that endear me to my family. I love them fiercely and even if I fail in so many ways, they know that my life is being spent on making them happy.

Here in the UK, I met a totally different mother in myself and I quite like who she is.

(Note:  Mathe is a former classmate in Law School.  Matters of the heart took over and she quit Law during our first year (1995) and went on to marry the love of her life. We lost touch after that and, surprise of all surprises, we found each other again in cyberspace early this year.

In 2007, Mathe joined her husband in the UK who was working there as a Mobile Radiographer. They have two boys aged 13 and 8. They hope to settle there for good if everything goes to plan.

You can read more of Mathe’s writings in her very own websites HotMomma and Pinoys Around The World.)