Mathe with the three gorgeous men in her life.

Coming to the UK is a milestone in my life, most especially as a mother. I was doing great in the Philippines. I was working full time and was finishing my Masters through online education. I was active in church work and at least a year prior to our departure for the UK, I was a single mother in the sense that I was managing on my own, my hubby being here working already as a Mobile Radiographer.

I thought I had it all covered: on the home front, career, continuing education, and my duties as a Christian. Well, I had a maid, which made it all so much easier for me. But I was doing everything else at home except wash clothes and tidy up the whole place. I was cooking every meal, doing the marketing, and “managing” my boys’ schooling – whatever that meant.

My last job there was as an Executive Assistant to the Chief of Party of an USAID-funded Family Planning project. I travelled at least two hours to work and then another two hours back. I normally left for work at 6:00 am. By that time I would have already cooked our breakfast, my hubby’s and my eldest son’s packed lunches, lunch at home for the youngest boy and the maid and even planned for or prepared their afternoon snack, when the eldest gets home from school. I did that everyday.

During weekends, it was writing my school work, going to the market and the grocery store and church work that I did. It was like that every weekend.

The kids were my priority but I had a life as a career woman and as a student. It was a great life for me. I managed. I thought I was doing great, actually. I mean, I had it all under control.

When I got to the UK, I came to realize just how shallow and uneventful my brand of mothering was. Here, I am the maid, and laundrywoman, and cook, and even the occasional nanny to some friends’ kids (for free) who have no choice but to dump their children on me when they needed to (I almost couldn’t turn down anyone, unless it was really impossible for me).

For a good seven months upon our arrival here, I was unemployed. Being the obsessive-compulsive person that I am, I made it a point during that time to be excellent in keeping the house tidy, preparing the meals and running the home. And I still make it a point to do the same now that I am already working, albeit part-time.

Alongside that overriding desire to be excellent in homemaking during that seven-month period, I had to contend with feelings of insecurity, self-pity and despondency for being dependent on my hubby (for the first time ever in our marriage), not having my own money, for being unemployed and for being plucked out of my comfortable world in the Philippines. I felt so rotten then.

There were times when I would yell at my kids: “I am not your maid! Tidy up your mess!” And then after that brief moment of madness, I would realize that I was their maid actually. They grew up having a maid all the time. They were used to having someone pick up things after them, give them what they needed or look for missing toys or school stuff. I spoiled them in that sense and I realized that time that it was my own doing that I was being subjected to unpaid labour as a maid.

My life as a mom in the UK is so much different from what I was used to. Here, I can’t afford to be sick or unwell. I can’t  not wash  the dishes because if I did, the washing will pile up and I have no one to blame. I cannot tidy up the house because there is no one else to do it and if it isn’t that tidy or clean, I freak out. And freaking out moms in the UK just won’t do.

On the 8^th month after I arrived here, I finally got hired as a part time clerk in our hospital, where tens of Filipino nurses are also employed. Being employed part-time gives me the freedom to look after my family and keep the home running efficiently. I do everything, as in everything, with the hubby lending a helping hand only occasionally.

When the boys are a little older, I intend to look for a fulltime job. Here, I might just be able to fulfill my dream of becoming a published writer, or earn my PhD, or learn more foreign languages as part of my self-improvement program. All in God’s perfect time. Meanwhile, I wait and do my best and live my life as a happy mother.

Somehow, I learned to adjust my expectations from life when I got here in the UK. Coming here was a most humbling experience and for that, I am very thankful to the Lord. Here, I was forced to reassess my worth as a person. Am I still a person with dignity even without money of my own? Can I still be a good mother while I am also ranting and raving and screaming mad for all the work that I need to do? Can I still be proud of my education and hard work in improving myself even as I am employed in a job that I would normally think as “beneath me”? These are only some of the questions that I asked and to all, I have learned that the answer is “Yes”.

I had to change my point of reference to gauge if I was doing great as a mother. Am I still okay even if my little boy went to school in a creased shirt? Can I still claim my title as a home goddess (something that I though myself to be before) even when I can see that there is dust on the furniture everywhere? Again, I have learned that a great mother is one by heart. It is not only the things that I do (though they are important as well), but the things that I am that endear me to my family. I love them fiercely and even if I fail in so many ways, they know that my life is being spent on making them happy.

Here in the UK, I met a totally different mother in myself and I quite like who she is.

(Note:  Mathe is a former classmate in Law School.  Matters of the heart took over and she quit Law during our first year (1995) and went on to marry the love of her life. We lost touch after that and, surprise of all surprises, we found each other again in cyberspace early this year.

In 2007, Mathe joined her husband in the UK who was working there as a Mobile Radiographer. They have two boys aged 13 and 8. They hope to settle there for good if everything goes to plan.

You can read more of Mathe’s writings in her very own websites HotMomma and Pinoys Around The World.)

The Manuel Family: Atty. Melody, Atty. Rommel, Dazzle, Daphne & Divine

“I don’t know whether this would still be on time or my deadline had been past due but nevertheless to give in to my friend’s request to write an article about a working mom working abroad, I just thought to give it 10 minutes of my time to write this very thorough letter if this would appear like one to express my thoughts, emotions and sentiments of a mother working abroad.  

I am a mother of three beautiful and adorable daughters age 5 years old, 3 years old and a 3-month old – Dazzle, Daphne and Divine, respectively.  I never thought my being a lawyer would be practiced in the land of big Apple.  I passed the bar in the Philippines, continue my Masters of Law in Japan and now a working mom in New York.  Likewise, becoming a mother of three is beyond my comprehension specifically as I juggle up my being a mom, a wife while honing my legal skills and HR management. 

I said ‘5 cents and pancakes’ as the title of this piece because of my experience this week. 

Monday I was pissed off with my husband because he paid the bus driver $2.20 instead of $2.15, with the extra 5 cents he gave to the bus I did not speak to him nor allow him to kiss goodbye when he get off from the bus.  It was not the amount that I was getting upset but it was the thought that the little money we have and the budgeting that’s killing me every single cents matters to me.  I had difficulty in figures since kindergarten and up to now I never passed with flying colors when it comes to figures so the pain is just hurting so much when it comes to giving priorities in our budget. 

Comes Tuesday, I have no singles and smaller bills to my surprise, this time, a different bus driver who seems fond of us as a couple allow me to get in without paying.  I thought I misheard him so I came back to pay but he said that’s fine..no worries. I was beginning to feel a little guilty with the extent of argument and damage we had just yesterday and now I had a free ride of $2.15.

Wednesday, the most devastating day of the week, we found out we double paid the Immigration in the amount of $1,570 and it came from the fact we tried to rectify the mistake we had in previously filing an incomplete application, canceling the other one, submitting a new one, approving the incomplete one, putting a stop payment to the corrected one and then ended up paying for the two applications otherwise we would be in debt with the government and at the same time canceling the visa should it be approved if we put a stop payment.  Oh yes, I’m screwed!!! I cannot imagine losing $3,140 worst scenario if both petitions be rejected.  It was all my fault.  I kept mum on this with the kind of things happening to me–I’m trying to be in control of our budget of our money just to have a little decent life here in America and yet horrible things are just starting to come in…

Thursday, I read a forwarded article from my sister who dislikes forwarded message and requested that such messages for her be stopped.  I was surprised she sent it to me, to my family and I read it “Pancakes” – a story of a boy who would like to do good things and yet ended up in turmoil in trying to cook one good pancake for his parents.  Expecting his father would get mad but instead his father embraced him and helped him with all his mess with his father getting messy as well.  An analogy of God the Father according to the article helping our way people in trying to do good but ending up in bad shape. 

I know the connection of this is still somewhere to establish in my experience as a working mom, but,  as I can see myself, I am no exception to  this boy, trying to perfect everything but still ended up @!*^-&%@!! (sorry for the word).  I try to be a loving mother but ended up yelling to all my toddlers always telling them I’ll send you home in the Philippines.  I try to be a good advocate of immigrants and I ended up paying more than my salary. I try to be a good wife but I ended up a grouchy madam. I try to be a good friend I ended up submitting this article too late. To top all that, I missed my dad during this times of trouble and I ended up being hanged up as my 77 year-old dad is trying to prove he is still busy with the household chores.

Wow…sooo heavy…but do I feel bad? Would it be a surprise if I say that ” I just feel it all” —  I still feel I am loved and blessed –and I for the first time in my life I feel I am a human—now I concluded my becoming a mom makes me human.  Whether or not here or abroad, Philippines or elsewhere it won’t make a difference. Only the fact remains, it gave me a touch of a human being — making mistakes and still loved by many, my loving family.”

Atty. Melody Moya-Manuel
Legal Assistant, Herbert Tan Law Office
Manhattan, New York
Philippine Lawyer
Masters of Comparative Laws in the University of Tokyo Japan
Monbukagakusho Scholar (Japanese Government Scholar)
University of the Philippines, Los Banos, BA Sociology, Cum Laude

Rose Paraiso, working mom, Tokyo

Taking care of my kids personally is my greatest joy as a mother.  Giving them my full attention and providing their daily needs makes me feel that I’m 100% a mother to them.  But life is so hard sometimes that I had to make a very big decision for the sake of their brighter future.

I have never imagined myself leaving them and work abroad. But I have to do this so I can give them good education, convenient life and brighter future.  I am working as a company employee now in Tokyo, Japan.  I left them more than 5 years ago when my daughter was 5 years old and my son was 9 years old.  The first year was so hard…I cried every day thinking of them every minute, wondering if they are ok.

Now, I can completely relate to parents working abroad to establish career and leave their family behind.  I only have seen stories and scenes like this in television series and in the movies.  Who can forget the movie of Claudine Baretto and Vilma Santos “Anak”?  Oh no, I don’t want any drama in my life like that in the movie, though the story that it tells have lots of lessons to offer especially to kids with parents working abroad.  This movie will make children understand the sacrifices that their parents need to undergo for the love of them.

Being a mother also means “sacrifice”.  I had to be strong and fought the loneliness and homesickness that I felt. I don’t feel any regrets with the decision of leaving them for a while, because I know someday they will understand the sacrifice that I made.  I must be happy now…my son is going to college this school year, in one of the prestigious universities in Manila.  Hurray! 

As a mother, I will continue in giving them all the best that I can give.  I am still breathing because of them… They are the strength that I hang on to…they are the air that I breathe…they are my life

Editor’s note:  Rose Paraiso is a graduate of A.B. Psychology at the Philippine Women’s University.  She’s a dedicated mother who used to be a fulltime mom to her two kids until she decided to work in Japan when she got the opportunity to avail a visa as Japanese descendant.  She is the eldest daughter of Rodolfo “Yasuo” & Norma Nakama.